Ed Bloch's Journal

For those of you who are followers of Michael Brown and his blog at www.thepresenceportal.com I had a very revealing moment while reading his entry for December 11, 2008. His description of the heat in Aberdeen was causing quite a stir in me. Don’t know if it was the pending freeze that was about to hit Kansas in a couple of days (it’s here now and it did not disappoint), or if it was just my standard plaintive wail for warmth that was rising. However it sure felt a lot like envy.

I felt so bad about not being there in that heat that I almost missed an incredible experience I was having. I almost missed the feeling of warmth that his description had given impetus to. In order for me to have such a stirring of envy, I had to feel at that moment the warmth that I was so envious of Michael having. It suddenly occurred to me that I could feel the warmth as if I were there. I closed my eyes, chose to focus my attention on the warm spot in my experience and voila, I was warm. Instead of the separateness that I was feeling from his experience (and hence the cold child) , I was feeling my own similar experience of warmth.

The moment really brought home how our reactivity can lead to a totally mental experience. In reaction of envy I felt initially separate from Michael’s experience; however as I moved out of reactivity I moved towards my own cellular memory of warmth. I exercised choice over my experience. My reactive state of the burdened moved to the responsive state of ease. What a joyful moment.

This morning as I made my way out with our two dogs into the frozen tundra that is Lawrence Kansas I couldn’t help but make a mental note of the difference between Michael’s Aberdeen weather and Lawrence’s. Four degrees in Lawrence Kansas says it all. I once again was faced with that simple movement from physical to mental. I felt the cold, acknowledged the fact that there are warmer places on earth and was moving towards the reactive state of burdened. And as the good burdened one, my next move was to get angry at the weather, my circumstances, and life. From there it is only a simple act of placing my attention on the possibilities of tomorrow; moving to Austin Texas or back to Southern California. My attention was moving to anywhere but the present.

As my hands began to move from the cold stage to the painful stage I really had to make a choice. Go home, become the martyr and stick it out, or start crying for my mother. My small dog Dalai gave me the answer when she started whimpering from too much cold and too much gravel in her paws. We headed home and she was pleased to rush in the door. I figured my other dog Zen would like to finish his walk, so we headed back out. Zen quickly did his business and then pulled me back home. He probably wanted to be sure Dalai didn’t get any of our son Zachary’s leftovers from breakfast.

Returning home once again I let Zen in and then noticed I was not really cold anymore. My hands had warmed up. I had fully integrated the 4 degree temperature into my experience. It had happened while my attention was present and not wandering out of the moment. I wanted more! I headed back out and had a wonderful jog for another 30 minutes. Sweating like I was in Aberdeen South Africa in the middle of December. My intention no longer to be burdened, I felt at ease.